My mission in life...

...I have decided, is to mock Jodi Picoult mercilessly. I can't help it. I know she's popular. I know a lot of people read her, and we just have to be happy people are reading. I know it's not nice to hate people at all, much less people you've never met. But God, do I hate Jodi Picoult.

She's got a new book out, Handle with Care, and if you want to read 477 pages of unrelenting and unrepentant ugliness, consisting of a baby being born with a degenerative disease called OI (osteogenesis imperfecta*) and her mother's wrongful birth lawsuit against her former best friend and OB-GYN (contending that her OB-GYN had seen evidence of the disease early enough in the pregnancy that the mother could have aborted, but had not told her), this is the lighthearted novel for you. Throw in the fact that the mother's a former pastry chef and periodically, weirdly, there are pastry recipes thrown in, and the creepy factor of this novel increases exponentially. Oh, and if there was any doubt as to which character is speaking when, even though each chapter is clearly labeled with that chapter's narrator's name--the chapters are actually printed in different fonts.

My God. Is this what we've come to, as readers? I've watched television and played video games that were more intellectually stimulating than this, so if this is the literature we're clinging to, well...I don't know. But it does make me sad. I don't even understand who can read books this ripped from the headlines, this tragic, not to mention this unbelievably long. I think that's why I keep beating my head against the Picoult wall; short, positive schmaltz I can understand. Although Tuesdays with Morrie was not for me, it was short, and it was uplifting. THAT I can understand. But nearly 500 pages of tragic, depressing, not patrticularly thoughtful schmaltz? Who has the energy to read that after a long day of just trying to make it in this world? I simply do not get it.

Now. Because nobody can illustrate how bad Jodi Picoult is better than Jodi Picoult, here's a little prose sampling. Enjoy:

"For two months now, we had known that you'd be born with OI--osteogenesis imperfecta, two letters of the alphabet that would become second nature. It was a collagen defect that caused bones so brittle they might break with a stumble, a twist, a sneeze. There were several types--but only two presented with fractures in utero, like we'd seen on my ultrasound. And yet the radiologist could still not conclusively say whether you had Type II, which was fatal at birth, or Type III, which was severe and progressively deforming. Now I knew that you might have hundreds more breaks over the years, but it hardly mattered: you would have  a lifetime in which to sustain them." (p. 6.)

And:

"The outcome of this recipe is a work of art, if you can make it through the complicated preparation. Above all else: handle everything with care. This dessert, like you, is gone before you know it. This dessert, like you, is impossibly sweet. This dessert fills me, when I miss you the most."

Ugh. Just re-reading that makes me depressed. Have a good weekend, all.

*To her credit, Picoult does suggest at the end of her book that charitable donations can be made to the Osteogenesis Imperfecta Foundation.

Comments

[Melanie]

Yeah, there is someone else who agrees with me! JP came and spoke at our library several years ago. She is an interesting person and a good speaker. But her books are terrible. I've actually started several of her books, but didn't finish any of them. I kept thinking that everyone loved them so I SHOULD read them. I gave up.

[Jessica]

Criiiiiinge!

I've never read JP before, but my book club is doing her this month, and "My Sister's Keeper" is one of the books in my carry-on bag for vacation. I had no idea her writing was... ummm... is it *always* like that?

[Citizen Reader]

Melanie,
I'm with you, sister. I shouldn't be so hard on JP, especially if she's helping bring people in to libraries, but...yeah, you're right, terrible. Although I'll admit part of my dislike for her is just total, total jealousy at the piles of money she must be making. She has a talent for that, I'll admit. I shouldn't be reading them either. But they're literally like accidents for me; I can't help gawking. Come on, comparing a lost child to an impossibly sweet dessert? It's almost enough to put me off desserts.

[Citizen Reader]

Oh, Jessica, you ARE in for a treat, if you've never read her before. Please tell me you're packing other books, just in case.
I'd say, yes, the writing is always pretty cringe-worthy. But I'll give her this: she actually can tell a story (even though they're never stories I want to read). So she will most likely be able to suck you in. I'll give her that. All the same...Make sure you come right back after vacay and report what you think! I'd love to hear it (even if you disagree with me and find you like the books, okay). I really, really do just want to understand the appeal.

[Bookie]

Jodi Picoult is Jodi Picoult (say her name real fast 10 times after having some wine), which is fine but the fact that she's packaged as literary fiction is complete shit. Take it to the mass market section, then maybe Jodi Picoult and James Patterson can make out and have babies that write contrite fiction.

Ohh..that was mean. I'm officially bitter and jaded, hey...where did all the wine go?

[Citizen Reader]

Bookie!
You. are. AWESOME.

Jodi Picoult is not literary fiction. I'll give you "mainstream" fiction, but that hurts too. Is there a label for the grown-up version of teen angst lit, a la Lurlene McDaniel, where the story is always someone dying a horrible drawn-out death?

Oh, God. The mutant writer love children of James Patterson and Jodi Picoult are too scary to even contemplate. Or, maybe she and James could have have a menage a trois with the mighty mustached Thomas Friedman. Fab-stache-ulous.

(Thanks for being bitter and jaded with me. Now, where's that wine?)

[Abbie]

I've never read JP, and after this review I certainly don't want to! Thanks for giving me a laugh.

[Linette]

I am in complete agreement. I've never actually read JP but I listened to The Tenth Circle and that was excruciating. I don't know though...I think Nicholas Sparks is still at the top of my list of authors I won't read. EVER.

[nat @ book, line, and sinker]

i was critical of jp's formulaic writing on another blog a few months back and was nearly stoned to death in the comments. i met her at my local library a few summers ago and she was a charming person, funny, and had a nice speaking voice...but her stuff just isn't my cuppa.

[Citizen Reader]

Hi Nat!
I think people are so used to me picking on JP by now that it doesn't raise too much anger. Or the lovely few people reading this blog are simply not the type of readers who enjoy JP (which makes me love my readers all the more).
I'm glad to hear she gives a good show at the library. But "not my cuppa" is emphatically how I feel about her as well.

[Citizen Reader]

Linette,
Oh, "The Tenth Circle." Whenever someone checked that out at the library I always added to myself: "The Tenth Circle...OF HELL!" It didn't take much to amuse me back in my customer service days.

Ugh, Nicholas Sparks. I caught ten minutes of the movie "The Notebook" on TV once and that was enough to turn me off of Mr. Sparks for life. I'm with you on that!

[Dani]

OH MY GOD, THANK YOU. I Googled "I Hate Jodi Picoult" and managed to stumble upon this lovely page. I'm so glad I'm not alone in this. Inspiration: a friend reawakened my sleeping distaste for Ms. Picoult and her.. 'novels'.. oh dear God. Just the thought alone is enough to turn my stomach.

[Citizen Reader]

Dani,
You're very welcome. I always got shouted down on this point when I worked as a librarian, because Ms. Picoult was very popular, and we were just supposed to be glad that people were reading, but I don't know...I almost think they'd be better off NOT reading that pursuing this schlock. (I've watched a LOT of TV with much more nuanced and complex story lines and characterization than these novels include, after all.)

I never thought of googling "I hate Jodi Picoult." Fun! I'm going to do that later as a little treat for myself. My prescription--do what Dorothy Parker did with bad books: don't toss them aside lightly, instead "throw them across the room." Very satisfying.